"Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.'
Mature love says 'I need you because I love you."
...Erich Fromm
A father and teenage son in one of my seminars were on the outs. The dad raged and the son pouted. The dad wanted his son to step up and be a man the son wanted the dad to get off his back. I had them stand, face to face across the room and, taking turns, they each took a minute at a time to say what they most disliked about the other. After about three rounds, they grew quiet; they really had not said much about what they disliked about each other because, as they discovered, there really wasn’t much to say.
Yet resentment and mistrust smoldered just beneath the surface.
As they stared at each other I asked that they become more vulnerable and say what they really wanted. Again they sparred with words: Dad- “I want you to clean up your room.” Son- “I want you to stop riding me.” Dad- “I want you to take some responsibilities for your life.” Son- “I want you to stop being a dictator!” Then they fell quiet, staring at each other until the son quietly said, “I just want you to love me; that’s all I ever wanted from you.” The dad retorted, “What the hell are you talking about? I put you through school, didn’t I? I provided you a home and everything you ever wanted, didn’t I? Why would I have done all that if I didn’t love you?” The son, responded; “But Dad, you have never told me you loved me; you never said it.”
Of course then the wall between them tumbled down and they were soon in each other’s arms, sobbing. The question is; do we have to go to a seminar or lose a loved one before we get that we owe them not only our love, and to then ensure that they get it? If I send you a letter and you don’t respond isn’t it my job to make sure you got it? How is love any different?
If those who during their first months and earliest years of life are not loved and allowed to love they may not develop the ability to love and be loved. They grow up not understanding the feeling people talk about, so they pretend. And they get good at pretending; they can look really good to those around them. Like Ted Bundy, they stand a good chance of become sociopaths; criminals of the worst kind. Love is not only a joyful thing; it holds us together as families and as a society and is vital for our individual unfoldment and maturing.
But loves’ a dangerous road isn’t it? When we surrender to love we take the chance of being hurt. There are few real lovers who have not had their hearts broken, maybe several times. Often the pain comes from a growing child who seems to detest you, or a spouse that seems to no longer care, or perhaps a friend who betrays you, or someone who dies. Yes, love is dangerous. Yet what a great adventure! I have scouted the wildernesses in many places on the planet, both above and below the sea, have been with sharks and bears and those adventures filled me with a sense of life I would not otherwise have ever experienced. Yet I believe a greater adventure, one that takes more courage is to totally surrender to love. We will almost certainly get hurt from time to time. And if we have the maturity to accept and be one with each of those heartbreaks we will expand as humans and as souls; becoming wiser, more understanding and better able to assist others going through tough times.
Love unexpressed is not love, anymore than a golf course is a game of golf. We must get into the game; dive in, feel and express love. Yes it will sometimes be awkward and sometimes painful but the joy is worth every bit of it. Let’s don’t be the one who says; “Now he’s gone and I never got to tell him I loved him.”
Finally here’s this: Tell those you love today and every day. Let love heal you as it pours through and out of you, let it become the guiding beacon of your soul as you journey through this life. There is no greater game afoot than that of loving and expressing love. It takes a lot of courage, especially for us men who find it hard to say ‘I love you’; particularly to other men.
I’m involved with a scientific organization making products that help people live longer healthier lives. The products are fabulous, but what really drew me are the guiding principles of this organization that unselfishly pours itself into uplifting lives everywhere; helping people become healthier and wealthier at the same time. What if all companies came from this kind of caring? What if all it takes to convert the world into that Garden is for you and me to light a fire of love today, in the hearts of everyone we meet. What if? I’m just asking; what if?
Love has everything to do with it -simply everything!
A Bit of Humor For You:
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time that the boy give some thought to a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and didn't seem concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and finally heard his son whistling and heading toward his room. The boy came in, tossed his books on the bed then spotted the objects on the table and walked over to inspect them.
After a moment, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm, picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket, uncorked the bottle and took a big drink then began to admire the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered. "My son’s running for Congress."
Our Hero:
Dac Jamison has a life dedicated to serving others. When back from Vietnam with rumblings of PTSD still haunting him, he became a police officer because it was an opportunity to do good for others. This “Officer Friendly” was always available for a smile and a kind word and carried a Mr. Yuck sticker on the butt of his revolver so youngsters would see it as dangerous.
I conducted a two week intensive prison seminar for forty of the worst offenders there; mostly murderers and gang leaders and asked Dac to participate as a small group leader. I insisted there be no guards in the room so inmates could express themselves without fear of reprisal which obviously carried some risk for us. On the first day Dac told the inmates he was an unarmed policeman and that he was there to support them and would keep confident everything he heard. At first they mistrusted and avoided him, but within days he had won them over and came to respect and admire him. The seminar was a resounding success thanks in part to Dac’s courage and love.
As a police officer and SWAT Team member, Dac’s experiences include helping solve the Hillside Strangler Case and chasing down on foot the kidnapper of a small girl who was firing at him. Luckily he was not hit and the small girl was returned safely to her family.
Several years ago, Dac was severely injured when a driver ran a red light and smashed into his car. His injuries ended his career as a policeman which was a devastating blow. Yet he grew through it and focused his attention in other areas where he could do good. Though he is not a religious person, Dac dedicates time every week to a local church youth group; where he counsels, befriends and teaches kids to stand strong, to be accountable for their lives and to take necessary risks. They feel surrounded and protected by his constant love for them.
After several operations and rehabilitation, Dac is steadily getting better as he does his gardening and works with community organizations that make a difference. His gardens overflow with an astounding bounty of fruit and flowers which are perfect expressions of his generous heart.
Dac Jamison, police officer, counselor, gardener and friend to all, thanks for being our hero!
Reminders:
*An autographed copy of the original edition hardback of Romancing the Soul is available directly from The ARAS Foundation at 40% off. Send a note to
mary@arasfoundation.org
*Personal coaching with Bob? Send a note to bob@arasfoundation.org
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